@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

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@slaughthie

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@Robinbuble

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

@jessokfine

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

@Kateness8

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

@ValeeGrrl

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

@TheAlexNevil

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

@daemonic3

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]