I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.


I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.


Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves


it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”


[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?


I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.


throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both


[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]