I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.