It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE