It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU