Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Thursday
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma