My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.