Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Alexa, make me look good naked.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
ouch
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.