ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.