I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]