A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god