My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Mhm.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Two types of dogs.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie