My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
yeah 😭
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping