me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Go girl power!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.