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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..