*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.