I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.