“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When you let grandma cat sit
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Hank is one in a melon.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house