Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Monday
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
omg leave her alone
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I mean…but I did
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.