spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.