“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Who did it better?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.