Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
The Compass
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.