kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.