There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Facebook memories be like
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista