Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor