not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
they really do be looking like this
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
#milo
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.