MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss