@Staggfilms

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

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@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

@joshgondelman

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

@WilliamAder

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

@Smooheed

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

@velvettusk

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

@kevinthedad

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20