Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Admin smashed it 😂
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.