The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…