I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
#dnd #ttrpg
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice