Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.