A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.