If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The opposite of goth is stopth.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
*pronounces UPS like yoops