Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.