They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.