I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
some Old Testament wisdom
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This checks out
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
saw this in a dream
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