I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
You Might Also Like
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on