One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
can’t bark with your mouth full
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on