Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*