Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Every haunted house movie:
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
President The Rock Obama
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.