Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.