Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.