Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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When you let grandma cat sit
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.