Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”