“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I falcon love using swear birds
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
🤣🤣🤣
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.