🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Y’all ready for this
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family