The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
@funTweeters
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist