You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart