I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed