Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.