Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.