Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
this post was so formative to me
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”