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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!