How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me