“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air