If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight